1 00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:30,780 ? People in the night with people up above 2 00:00:32,180 --> 00:00:33,820 ? Oooh, yeah 3 00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:38,940 ? Luxury comedy, ooh yeah 4 00:00:38,940 --> 00:00:40,460 ? In the bag. ? 5 00:00:46,420 --> 00:00:49,460 It's like a glass hedgehog and he comes out... 6 00:00:49,460 --> 00:00:49,860 This came for you. 7 00:00:49,860 --> 00:00:50,940 Really? What is it? 8 00:00:50,940 --> 00:00:52,020 Not sure. 9 00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:00,580 Great - new cereal! 10 00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:05,140 Mmm. 11 00:01:05,140 --> 00:01:07,300 ? Oh baby I like it raw... 12 00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:09,380 ? Yeah baby... ? 13 00:01:09,380 --> 00:01:11,940 All right, Noel, did you get my package? 14 00:01:11,940 --> 00:01:13,820 Yeah, just eating them. Pretty good, actually. 15 00:01:13,820 --> 00:01:17,100 Yeah, they're called Secret Pieces and they're good, ain't they? 16 00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:19,340 (LAUGHS) Remarkable! What are they made from? 17 00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:20,620 That's my own shit. 18 00:01:21,740 --> 00:01:23,020 (COUGHS) Oh, Peter! 19 00:01:23,020 --> 00:01:25,540 I mean, that's my multi-coloured rabbit droppings. 20 00:01:25,540 --> 00:01:30,220 Like, I go into a chamber and I eat loads of vitamins 21 00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:32,180 and pieces of rainbow. 22 00:01:32,180 --> 00:01:34,660 I make rainbow kebabs and they spin round 23 00:01:34,660 --> 00:01:37,220 and I slice bits of rainbow off, put it in pitta bread 24 00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:41,500 and then I munch it down till I'm big and fat and ready and then 25 00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:45,700 I just pump them out from my blue shorts straight into the packets. 26 00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:47,980 I can do about seven packets a week. 27 00:01:47,980 --> 00:01:49,300 Actually... 28 00:01:50,660 --> 00:01:52,300 ..they're very moreish. 29 00:01:52,300 --> 00:01:53,820 That'll be the nicotine. 30 00:01:53,820 --> 00:01:57,700 When I first made them they looked like hundreds and thousands 31 00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:00,780 but more swollen so I called them tens and twenties...(SNIGGERS) 32 00:02:00,780 --> 00:02:04,420 ..and I was going to use them as cake decoration 33 00:02:04,420 --> 00:02:07,260 so I phoned up Mr Kipperbang, you know the cake doctor, 34 00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,740 and he said, "Go fuck yourself." 35 00:02:09,740 --> 00:02:12,500 But, you know, I think they go better with milk anyway. 36 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,380 So are they in the shops, then? 37 00:02:14,380 --> 00:02:17,300 No, but they're outside the shops, by the bush. 38 00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:18,340 Yeah, all right. See you later, Peter. 39 00:02:18,340 --> 00:02:20,660 Yeah, nice one. Don't call me again, yeah? 40 00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:36,460 You have three minutes until take off 41 00:02:38,620 --> 00:02:41,500 and two and a half minutes to prepare your main course. 42 00:02:48,020 --> 00:02:49,220 Clickety-click. 43 00:02:49,220 --> 00:02:52,660 ACCORDION MUSIC 44 00:03:13,420 --> 00:03:14,780 Halleluiah! 45 00:03:14,780 --> 00:03:16,900 Praise the Lord, the boy can see! 46 00:03:20,940 --> 00:03:22,900 'Chop, chop, chop!' 47 00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:25,700 Just look at the size of that carrot! Ha-ha! 48 00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:28,100 Put a little whisky in that, will you, Rodriguez? 49 00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:31,660 Oh, boy! I think I'm one of them lizard people. 50 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:41,820 CROWD ROARS 51 00:03:44,740 --> 00:03:48,420 (WHISTLES TV CRICKET THEME) 52 00:03:48,420 --> 00:03:51,420 Harold Faltermeyer disguised as an octopus, 53 00:03:51,420 --> 00:03:56,140 blowing a whistle reminding you you're fresh out of goddamn paprika. 54 00:03:58,100 --> 00:04:02,420 TV CRICKET THEME CONTINUES 55 00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:07,100 DRUM ROLL 56 00:04:08,740 --> 00:04:10,940 WHISTLING CONTINUES 57 00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:19,340 Mmm...Rodriguez, put a shot of bourbon in that, will you? 58 00:04:19,340 --> 00:04:22,580 DRUM ROLL CONTINUES 59 00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:28,100 ACCORDION MUSIC 60 00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:35,980 BUZZER 61 00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:38,780 Gentlemen, you have 15 seconds to board your vessel. 62 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:53,860 Ello, ello, ello... 63 00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,380 GONG SOUNDS 64 00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:57,100 Perfect job, patriots! 65 00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:03,540 HORN BEEPS 66 00:05:12,140 --> 00:05:13,980 Woo...doggy! Ha-ha! 67 00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:19,780 ACCORDION PLAYS 68 00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:32,020 I'm the moon! 69 00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:33,900 I'm not in this show. 70 00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:38,460 SCHOOL BELL RINGS 71 00:05:38,460 --> 00:05:41,780 No, class. I do not cycle home like Miss Kite 72 00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:44,340 and I haven't got a snazzy car like Mr Ebdon 73 00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:47,460 and I will not go on the bus with you horrible little lot. 74 00:05:47,460 --> 00:05:51,820 I ride the pommel horse home like every PE teacher should. 75 00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:57,820 That's a little joke for the tiny ones. 76 00:05:57,820 --> 00:06:00,740 You see, I can be a character like Mr Clasby, 77 00:06:00,740 --> 00:06:03,060 I just need a chance to shine! 78 00:06:06,260 --> 00:06:08,180 ? Oh baby I like it raw 79 00:06:08,180 --> 00:06:09,700 ? Oh baby I like it... ? 80 00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:11,260 All right, Peter. 81 00:06:11,260 --> 00:06:14,220 Eh, Noel, who's the best film star who ever lived? 82 00:06:14,220 --> 00:06:15,660 Kurt Russell. Yeah. 83 00:06:15,660 --> 00:06:17,220 What's the best film that's ever been made? 84 00:06:17,220 --> 00:06:18,700 Big Trouble In Little China. 85 00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:20,540 I told you, Nathan, you idiot! 86 00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:22,140 I gotta go, Noel, I'm in the pub. 87 00:06:22,140 --> 00:06:24,060 Yeah, great. 88 00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:30,540 I'm Sergeant Raymond Boombox. 89 00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:31,940 As you may or may not know, 90 00:06:31,940 --> 00:06:35,340 in 1975 I received a knife wound in the line of duty. 91 00:06:35,340 --> 00:06:37,340 A knife wound that started talking to me 92 00:06:37,340 --> 00:06:39,860 and occasionally helped me solve cases. 93 00:06:39,860 --> 00:06:41,820 Helped you on some of your cases(!) 94 00:06:41,820 --> 00:06:44,420 I solved most of them you fat son of a bitch! 95 00:06:44,420 --> 00:06:46,380 Shut up, you freak. 96 00:06:46,380 --> 00:06:49,020 I'm trying to put you in some kind of goddamn context. 97 00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:51,620 Anyway, one of the most exciting cases we worked on 98 00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,780 was when we were in Miami undercover. 99 00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:54,940 Hooper, what was the name of that case? 100 00:06:54,940 --> 00:06:57,620 What, the one where you wore the pink salmon shorts? 101 00:06:57,620 --> 00:06:59,860 You looked ridiculous, you're big, fat pumpkin ass sticking out. 102 00:06:59,860 --> 00:07:02,740 You picked those out for me, what were you wearing anyway, 103 00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:03,300 your wife's skirt? 104 00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,820 It was a sarong, actually, and it was your wife's. 105 00:07:05,820 --> 00:07:08,860 You do not have access to my wife's sarong collection - 106 00:07:08,860 --> 00:07:10,100 you mind your mouth! 107 00:07:10,100 --> 00:07:13,380 Of course he did, he was banging her. 108 00:07:13,380 --> 00:07:14,740 Everyone knows that. 109 00:07:14,740 --> 00:07:15,860 He was not banging her, 110 00:07:15,860 --> 00:07:19,500 they just happened to be at the same night school doing the same dance classes. 111 00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:21,660 Yeah, we were doing modern tap and er...urban hip-hop. 112 00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:23,660 Precisely, thank you, Hooper. 113 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:24,940 You be quiet. 114 00:07:24,940 --> 00:07:28,380 Anyway, we were down in Miami and I looked like one piece of hot ass. 115 00:07:30,820 --> 00:07:35,020 'We'd offloaded some drugs to a known local dealer called Figo the fruit fly. 116 00:07:35,020 --> 00:07:37,660 'Named so cos everything he landed on turned rotten. 117 00:07:37,660 --> 00:07:39,940 'All we had to do was get a payment off this guy 118 00:07:39,940 --> 00:07:42,140 'and we could bust his thorax.' 119 00:07:42,140 --> 00:07:45,020 Working with these scumbags was absolutely terrifying. 120 00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:47,020 If they even sniffed you out as a cop, 121 00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:48,540 not only would they kill you 122 00:07:48,540 --> 00:07:50,820 but they could make things very awkward for you. 123 00:07:50,820 --> 00:07:53,060 It didn't bother me, I was a frightening mimic, 124 00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:54,340 an unbelievable actor, 125 00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:58,100 like a slightly hairier Kirk Douglas without the deformed chin. 126 00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:01,260 I could slot in with these guys as soon as look at them... 127 00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:02,700 speak the lingo... 128 00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:04,100 I was one of them. 129 00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:07,380 Yo...I gave you the money, what's say you give me the drugs, 130 00:08:07,380 --> 00:08:10,100 we'll go out, get a couple of chicks and a couple of beers. 131 00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:17,500 DOOOOOYOUTAKECAAAARDS? 132 00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:18,660 What?! 133 00:08:18,660 --> 00:08:21,700 DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS? 134 00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:24,940 Er, that's not better, try it slower or faster. 135 00:08:24,940 --> 00:08:27,580 DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS? 136 00:08:27,580 --> 00:08:31,220 Jesus Christ, that's not helping anything, put your eyes away. 137 00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:33,420 What are you saying to me?! 138 00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:34,540 DOOOOOOOOOOOO 139 00:08:34,540 --> 00:08:36,100 YOUUUUUUUUUUU 140 00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,860 TAAAAAAAAAAKE 141 00:08:37,860 --> 00:08:39,820 CAAAAAAAAARDS? 142 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,860 He's saying, "Do you take a card?" 143 00:08:42,860 --> 00:08:44,100 Do I take cards? 144 00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:45,780 Of course I don't take cards! 145 00:08:45,780 --> 00:08:47,540 What do I look like, a cash machine? 146 00:08:47,540 --> 00:08:49,380 I do. 147 00:08:49,380 --> 00:08:50,900 Sir, put your card in my mouth 148 00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:54,140 and I'll be happy to handle your transaction. 149 00:08:56,460 --> 00:08:58,380 What the hell are you doing? 150 00:08:58,380 --> 00:08:59,620 Shut up! 151 00:08:59,620 --> 00:09:01,900 Would you like a receipt with that, sir? 152 00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:05,340 YEEEES, PLEEEEASE. 153 00:09:05,340 --> 00:09:07,260 So the goddamn gash ate Figo's card. 154 00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:10,820 Needless to say, he was not a happy bunny. He produced a Norman sword 155 00:09:10,820 --> 00:09:13,340 and slashed me across the belly pouch 156 00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:16,180 with the speed and agility of a NASA cyborg. 157 00:09:17,580 --> 00:09:20,180 Oh! Oh, my God! 158 00:09:20,180 --> 00:09:22,980 What's wrong with you? What are you, a re-enactment?! 159 00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:25,820 Because of the gash, the whole drug bust went tits-up. 160 00:09:25,820 --> 00:09:27,820 And things went from bad to worse. 161 00:09:27,820 --> 00:09:30,780 Oh...oh...oh. 162 00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:32,140 Oh, my God! 163 00:09:32,140 --> 00:09:34,660 Somebody call an ambulance, this guy's in trouble. 164 00:09:34,660 --> 00:09:36,420 Oh, really? 165 00:09:36,420 --> 00:09:37,580 What do you know, are you a doctor? 166 00:09:37,580 --> 00:09:39,740 No, I am not a doctor, thank you very much, 167 00:09:39,740 --> 00:09:42,100 but my brother-in-law happens to be one 168 00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:44,620 so I've been around a lot of accidents, OK? 169 00:09:44,620 --> 00:09:46,340 Oh, as if you're married, 170 00:09:46,340 --> 00:09:49,220 you just appeared there on a fat guy's gut! 171 00:09:49,220 --> 00:09:51,820 Could you not insult me while insulting someone else? 172 00:09:51,820 --> 00:09:55,060 If you hadn't eaten the card we wouldn't be in this mess. 173 00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:58,140 It was so good, it was Lloyds flavour. 174 00:09:58,140 --> 00:10:02,100 Oh, my God, it was so not Lloyds flavour, it was Bar-clays. 175 00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:05,780 It's Barclays, not Bar-clays, you goddamn schmuck! 176 00:10:05,780 --> 00:10:07,260 Oh...Bar-clays, Barclays...bite me. 177 00:10:07,260 --> 00:10:08,820 Oh, for God's sake. 178 00:10:08,820 --> 00:10:11,300 Somebody call me an ambulance. 179 00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:12,740 Use your phone! 180 00:10:12,740 --> 00:10:15,300 I can't, I got no battery. 181 00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:16,740 Well, use your phone then. 182 00:10:16,740 --> 00:10:18,780 I can't help you, I got no signal. 183 00:10:18,780 --> 00:10:21,980 Fine, I'll call my own goddamn ambulance. 184 00:10:24,060 --> 00:10:26,980 SIREN WAILS 185 00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:28,580 I can hear the ambulance, 186 00:10:28,580 --> 00:10:29,940 we're gonna be fine. 187 00:10:29,940 --> 00:10:31,260 (WAILS) 188 00:10:31,260 --> 00:10:33,460 Oh, great, very funny. 189 00:10:33,460 --> 00:10:35,020 Sorry, sarge, 190 00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:39,300 I got a gift for mimicking different types of emergency siren. 191 00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,860 Well, good luck on New Faces. 192 00:10:40,860 --> 00:10:43,460 I'm bleeding to death here, if you haven't noticed! 193 00:10:43,460 --> 00:10:46,820 OK, does anyone want to hear my impersonation of Michael Caine? 194 00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:51,340 No, we do not want to hear your impersonation of Michael Caine! Shut up! 195 00:10:52,660 --> 00:10:55,460 "You're a big man, but you're out of shape." 196 00:10:55,460 --> 00:10:57,620 And so Figo got away with the drugs. 197 00:10:57,620 --> 00:11:00,860 I had to crawl on my goddamn hands and knees to the hospital 198 00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:02,220 but they fixed me up good 199 00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:04,940 and we decided to stay on in Miami for a week's holiday. 200 00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:07,620 Me and the gash got loaded on cocktails, 201 00:11:07,620 --> 00:11:11,220 and poor Hooper was mistaken in his sarong for a lady of the night. 202 00:11:11,220 --> 00:11:15,060 Oh, how we laughed when he was almost gang banged by 15 sailors. 203 00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:18,340 I laughed so hard I burst open my tummy stitches 204 00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:21,100 and my tummy gash regaled the whole party 205 00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:24,860 with his impersonations of Michael Caine and Harry Dean Stanton. 206 00:11:24,860 --> 00:11:25,940 Ha-ha-ha! 207 00:11:25,940 --> 00:11:28,700 A fabulous holiday and one I'll always remember. 208 00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:31,980 Join me next week, and remember always keep a knife under your bed, 209 00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:34,860 cos most people are murdered by the person they love most. 210 00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:37,460 And I look at a lot of corpses and most of those corpses 211 00:11:37,460 --> 00:11:40,540 have been violated and raped before being murdered, so... 212 00:11:40,540 --> 00:11:43,020 at least a screw driver, I mean, it's your choice. 213 00:11:43,020 --> 00:11:45,660 Bwye-bwye, everyone. 214 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:49,060 Good night. 215 00:11:55,995 --> 00:11:59,715 All bleeding coming together, innit? Ha! All bleeding coming together. 216 00:11:59,715 --> 00:12:03,475 Ah, it's all bleeding coming together. What a place! 217 00:12:03,475 --> 00:12:06,355 You couldn't get bored, could you? Could you get bored? 218 00:12:06,355 --> 00:12:11,035 You could go round this. Ha-ha! You could go round a pointed rock. 219 00:12:11,035 --> 00:12:14,275 Look at this, I've got a tyre on a rope. Ha-ha! 220 00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:16,195 Tyre on a bleeding rope! 221 00:12:16,195 --> 00:12:17,635 Who came up with that? 222 00:12:17,635 --> 00:12:19,275 Who could come up with that? 223 00:12:19,275 --> 00:12:22,835 Higher, lower, higher, lower. I'm in a zoo. 224 00:12:22,835 --> 00:12:25,475 All coming together. Great food. Top-flight food, 225 00:12:25,475 --> 00:12:28,035 gotta be a gourmet chef, hasn't it? 226 00:12:28,035 --> 00:12:31,195 Gotta be a gourmet chef! Who do you reckon? Ramsay? 227 00:12:31,195 --> 00:12:34,275 Or Worrall Thompson Gotta be, innit? 228 00:12:34,275 --> 00:12:37,755 Hmm! Hmm! Nice food. Not that hungry, might have that later. 229 00:12:39,555 --> 00:12:42,755 David Lee Roth, king of the lions, you all right, David? 230 00:12:42,755 --> 00:12:45,115 We'll have that later. Yeah. There he is. 231 00:12:45,115 --> 00:12:48,475 Had a little operation when I got here, they took my penis away, 232 00:12:48,475 --> 00:12:52,115 removed my penis. Probably having a look at it, aren't they? Ha-ha. 233 00:12:52,115 --> 00:12:53,995 Probably having a look at my penis. 234 00:12:53,995 --> 00:12:55,915 Got to get it back, haven't I? 235 00:12:55,915 --> 00:12:59,035 They're bound to give it back to me. Probably Thursday, 236 00:12:59,035 --> 00:13:02,555 they're probably doing a diagram or something of it for a zoology book. 237 00:13:02,555 --> 00:13:04,555 John! Any news on my penis? 238 00:13:10,995 --> 00:13:12,475 What a card! 239 00:13:12,475 --> 00:13:16,555 He always does that. Ha-ha! I love it, English sense of humour. 240 00:13:16,555 --> 00:13:19,835 I mean, I've read about it and I've heard about it 241 00:13:19,835 --> 00:13:23,835 but I've never actually seen it with my own lion peepers. Ha-ha! 242 00:13:23,835 --> 00:13:25,395 Peepers! 243 00:13:25,395 --> 00:13:28,435 I called my eyes "peepers". Ha-ha. 244 00:13:28,435 --> 00:13:31,995 That's cos I'm happy, I'm happy with my environment(!) 245 00:13:31,995 --> 00:13:35,275 I love it here! All bleeding coming together, I'm in a zoo. 246 00:13:35,275 --> 00:13:38,035 All bleeding coming together. 247 00:13:38,035 --> 00:13:43,555 All bleeding coming together, higher, lower, higher, lower. Ha-ha! 248 00:13:43,555 --> 00:13:46,795 LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! 249 00:13:46,795 --> 00:13:50,115 It is all bleeding coming together? Please say it's coming together. 250 00:13:50,115 --> 00:13:53,075 I can't handle it in here, I'm going crazy. 251 00:13:53,075 --> 00:13:55,915 Help me, don't just film me, help me! 252 00:13:55,915 --> 00:13:59,115 Sit down, sit down, we'll have some Hula Hoops, David. 253 00:13:59,115 --> 00:14:02,715 You're not chewing them properly, David, what's wrong with you? 254 00:14:02,715 --> 00:14:04,675 They're just going on the floor! 255 00:14:05,755 --> 00:14:08,555 I love you, David, you're king of the lions. 256 00:14:08,555 --> 00:14:11,635 I'm moving stuff about in here, John. 257 00:14:12,635 --> 00:14:14,995 I'm having a brain snap. 258 00:14:16,275 --> 00:14:19,355 Oooh, I'm treading on my lunch. 259 00:14:19,355 --> 00:14:20,955 It's gone everywhere. 260 00:14:24,355 --> 00:14:27,315 I asked for Quavers! 261 00:14:30,355 --> 00:14:31,555 In you go. 262 00:14:33,835 --> 00:14:35,395 You putting that in a frame? 263 00:14:35,395 --> 00:14:36,635 Yeah, course I'm putting 264 00:14:36,635 --> 00:14:39,555 it in a frame, it's a masterpiece. What would you do with it? 265 00:14:39,555 --> 00:14:43,475 I'd probably just blue tack it to the fridge door. What is it, anyway? 266 00:14:43,475 --> 00:14:45,755 What do you mean, what is it? It's Pele, 267 00:14:45,755 --> 00:14:47,715 but he's holding a china teacup. 268 00:14:47,715 --> 00:14:50,835 Oh, yeah, actually, it has got something. 269 00:14:50,835 --> 00:14:53,835 You see? It's enigmatic, like the Mona Lisa, you know, 270 00:14:53,835 --> 00:14:57,275 it's the eternal question. Is she a woman? Is she a man? 271 00:14:57,275 --> 00:15:02,115 Is she smiling, isn't she smiling? This throws up similar sorts of questions. 272 00:15:02,115 --> 00:15:03,555 What questions? 273 00:15:03,555 --> 00:15:07,475 Well, it's Pele. He's holding a china cup, that much is clear. 274 00:15:07,475 --> 00:15:09,035 But when you come down his leg, 275 00:15:09,035 --> 00:15:12,755 to the little tippy-toe of his boot, and you see this, what is that? 276 00:15:12,755 --> 00:15:14,075 The ball? 277 00:15:14,075 --> 00:15:16,475 But is it the ball, 278 00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:20,475 or is it the saucer for the cup? 279 00:15:21,915 --> 00:15:23,755 Oh, yeah! This changes everything! 280 00:15:23,755 --> 00:15:25,995 I've got to phone Trisha! 281 00:15:31,075 --> 00:15:35,275 In the event of losing a loved one some people would turn to therapy 282 00:15:35,275 --> 00:15:40,555 to help them through hard times. Other people might turn to religion. 283 00:15:40,555 --> 00:15:44,555 Weaker people like myself, when I lost my wife, 284 00:15:44,555 --> 00:15:48,915 turned to swingball. You see, we used to play tennis together 285 00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:54,355 and I tried to recreate those hours by wearing my wife's dress 286 00:15:54,355 --> 00:15:57,435 and playing myself in the garden. 287 00:15:57,435 --> 00:15:59,115 It wasn't really the same. 288 00:15:59,115 --> 00:16:02,635 DRUM BEAT 289 00:17:02,995 --> 00:17:06,555 Here comes Roy Circles, he's got chocolate ankles. 290 00:17:08,635 --> 00:17:14,395 Oh, last Thursday, I woke up on my own and there was blood in my pants. 291 00:17:17,115 --> 00:17:21,235 I mean, I look at it and I think, I don't really like your drawings, 292 00:17:21,235 --> 00:17:23,115 but this one has something, 293 00:17:23,115 --> 00:17:26,755 and I wonder why keep coming back to it, why I'm so drawn to it? 294 00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:31,915 It's Pele, holding a china cup. I like it, it's clear, it's direct. 295 00:17:31,915 --> 00:17:36,115 But then my eye travels down past his midriff to his boots, 296 00:17:36,115 --> 00:17:39,395 I notice the ball and it hits me like a thunderbolt! 297 00:17:39,395 --> 00:17:41,875 Is it a ball or is it the saucer for the cup? 298 00:17:43,475 --> 00:17:45,755 Ha-ha, exactly! 299 00:17:45,755 --> 00:17:48,475 I didn't know you were so deep and complicated, Noel. 300 00:17:48,475 --> 00:17:53,115 I'm usually not, but when I do felt-tip drawings, I get pretty deep, yeah? 301 00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:56,395 How much do you think a drawing like this is worth on today's market? 302 00:17:56,395 --> 00:17:58,755 I'm getting it valued later by Daran Cache. 303 00:17:58,755 --> 00:18:00,635 Who's Daran Cache? 304 00:18:00,635 --> 00:18:04,115 He invented the colouring pencil? He's on his way as we speak. 305 00:18:04,115 --> 00:18:05,515 I'm coming! 306 00:18:06,755 --> 00:18:07,915 You are an idiot! 307 00:18:07,915 --> 00:18:09,115 What do you mean? 308 00:18:09,115 --> 00:18:10,555 You live with one of the most 309 00:18:10,555 --> 00:18:13,755 famous artists of the 20th Century, an icon - Andy Warhol. 310 00:18:13,755 --> 00:18:15,835 Not him, he's an idiot, he's my cleaner. 311 00:18:15,835 --> 00:18:17,635 I suppose I could ask him. 312 00:18:17,635 --> 00:18:18,875 Andy! 313 00:18:20,275 --> 00:18:21,715 Look at this. 314 00:18:21,715 --> 00:18:24,835 Hmm, a colour diagram, how quaint. 315 00:18:24,835 --> 00:18:27,435 Not a colour diagram, is it?! It's a masterpiece! 316 00:18:27,435 --> 00:18:29,835 Let me take a closer look. 317 00:18:29,835 --> 00:18:31,675 ELECTRONIC BEEPING 318 00:18:33,115 --> 00:18:33,755 What are you doing? 319 00:18:33,755 --> 00:18:34,835 Looking. 320 00:18:36,355 --> 00:18:39,475 I see Pele, a footballer, holding a china cup 321 00:18:39,475 --> 00:18:41,395 which is slightly interesting, 322 00:18:41,395 --> 00:18:44,075 but does not tell me anything I do not know already. 323 00:18:44,075 --> 00:18:45,115 What do you mean? 324 00:18:45,115 --> 00:18:47,715 You have drawn a footballer kicking a football. 325 00:18:47,715 --> 00:18:49,475 This is a standard observation. 326 00:18:49,475 --> 00:18:51,555 Yeah, but is it a football? 327 00:18:51,555 --> 00:18:52,475 What so you mean? 328 00:18:52,475 --> 00:18:56,075 Or is it the saucer for the cup? 329 00:18:56,075 --> 00:18:58,515 ELECTRONIC SQUEAKS 330 00:19:01,035 --> 00:19:04,675 Oh, my God, you've blown Andy's mind! 331 00:19:07,035 --> 00:19:09,755 So, Andy, what do you think it's worth? 332 00:19:09,755 --> 00:19:14,755 Saucer, cup, saucer, cup, saucer, cup. 333 00:19:14,755 --> 00:19:18,635 ? Pele, Pele Score a goal, Pele. ? 334 00:19:18,635 --> 00:19:23,355 Saucer, cup, saucer, cup, saucer... 335 00:19:32,555 --> 00:19:34,755 DANCE MUSIC 336 00:19:40,395 --> 00:19:43,075 RHYTHMIC FOLK MUSIC 337 00:19:47,115 --> 00:19:50,915 'Sherlock Holmes. Chapter one. Moriarty's Revenge. 338 00:19:50,915 --> 00:19:54,075 'The smell of beer wafted through the narrow cobbled streets, 339 00:19:54,075 --> 00:19:57,755 'the fog thick and clinging to the passing stage coaches. 340 00:19:57,755 --> 00:20:00,395 'Dr Watson checked his new pocket watch 341 00:20:00,395 --> 00:20:02,715 'and shuffled through a concrete archway.' 342 00:20:05,035 --> 00:20:06,635 Hmmm! 343 00:20:09,635 --> 00:20:11,755 Well, Noel, to be honest, it is 344 00:20:11,755 --> 00:20:15,995 impossible to put a figure on a drawing like that, it is priceless. 345 00:20:15,995 --> 00:20:17,515 Ashtray! 346 00:20:19,115 --> 00:20:22,275 Wow, so you think you might be inserted in buying it, then? 347 00:20:22,275 --> 00:20:26,395 No, but if you want any free colouring pencils, give me a call. 348 00:20:26,395 --> 00:20:28,755 It's a bit racy, isn't it? 349 00:20:28,755 --> 00:20:33,035 Yes. It is my aim to make colouring pencils sexy again. 350 00:20:33,035 --> 00:20:34,275 Again? 351 00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:35,995 Hmm-mm. 352 00:20:48,075 --> 00:20:50,275 Ha-ha! Amazing! 353 00:20:50,275 --> 00:20:52,555 You've got a tank made from Swiss cheese! 354 00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:54,715 This tank is not made out of Swiss cheese. 355 00:20:54,715 --> 00:20:56,595 It's made out of ordinary cheese. 356 00:20:56,595 --> 00:20:57,915 What are those holes, then? 357 00:20:57,915 --> 00:21:00,755 Those, my friend, are the injuries of war. 358 00:21:00,755 --> 00:21:06,115 I don't expect a civilian punk like you to know the difference. 359 00:21:06,115 --> 00:21:07,475 Right then, up ahead, 360 00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:11,395 a pencil drawing of Pele, done in the naive primitive style. 361 00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:16,115 He's holding a china tea cup, an obvious slant towards surrealism, 362 00:21:16,115 --> 00:21:19,035 but, as we all know, you should never take crockery 363 00:21:19,035 --> 00:21:20,475 onto the playing field. 364 00:21:20,475 --> 00:21:22,755 When little Steven Kahle, the Kenyan boy, 365 00:21:22,755 --> 00:21:26,075 tried to do cross-country with a teapot in his shorts, 366 00:21:26,075 --> 00:21:29,755 Darren Cooper tripped him up and his winkle came loose. 367 00:21:29,755 --> 00:21:33,915 A nightmare, I had to carry that to hospital in a matchbox. 368 00:21:33,915 --> 00:21:36,195 I'll never get over those images. 369 00:21:37,635 --> 00:21:40,355 All in all, though, not a bad little drawing. 370 00:21:40,355 --> 00:21:45,195 Wait a second, if I'm not mistaken, the body has been done in freehand 371 00:21:45,195 --> 00:21:46,755 but the head has been traced. 372 00:21:46,755 --> 00:21:50,115 The head has not been traced, thank you very much. 373 00:21:50,115 --> 00:21:53,395 Tracing? Tracing? 374 00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:57,355 As we all know, Mrs Kite, the head of the art department, 375 00:21:57,355 --> 00:22:00,035 does not see tracing as real drawing. 376 00:22:00,035 --> 00:22:02,995 Therefore this Caran D'Ache abomination must be taken 377 00:22:02,995 --> 00:22:05,395 as the enemy. 378 00:22:05,395 --> 00:22:07,755 Right, then, one, two, there, four, 379 00:22:07,755 --> 00:22:11,035 these are numbers, ignore those, 380 00:22:11,035 --> 00:22:12,195 and fire! 381 00:22:12,195 --> 00:22:13,635 EXPLOSION 382 00:22:13,635 --> 00:22:15,275 Ah! Pele! 383 00:22:15,275 --> 00:22:19,115 Violence, just like on the battlefield when I was young. 384 00:22:19,115 --> 00:22:21,115 Erections everywhere. 385 00:22:21,115 --> 00:22:22,835 Pele! 386 00:22:24,115 --> 00:22:25,715 WHISTLE BLOWS 387 00:22:25,715 --> 00:22:27,755 Pele, come back, please! 388 00:22:27,755 --> 00:22:31,515 Pele, you don't understand, I've had enough an offer from Daran Cache. 389 00:22:31,515 --> 00:22:34,555 Well, not an offer, but he gave me his business car, pretty racy. 390 00:22:34,555 --> 00:22:37,835 Pele, please! Pele, don't leave me! 391 00:22:37,835 --> 00:22:39,075 He's good at running, isn't he? 392 00:22:39,075 --> 00:22:42,395 Yeah, he's great at running, he's gone now, for ever. 393 00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:45,075 That was my masterpiece. Hang on a minute. 394 00:22:45,075 --> 00:22:47,395 There he is down there in the jungle. Look! 395 00:22:47,395 --> 00:22:49,075 Ha-ha! 396 00:22:50,995 --> 00:22:54,275 Look at him weaving in and out of the bracken, he's so balletic, 397 00:22:54,275 --> 00:22:56,395 he hasn't spilt a drop of that tea. 398 00:22:56,395 --> 00:22:58,915 Look, he's gone right down to the corner flag. 399 00:22:58,915 --> 00:23:00,475 Pele, cross it, Pele! 400 00:23:05,355 --> 00:23:07,355 Oh, it was the saucer! 401 00:23:08,475 --> 00:23:10,675 Or was it? 402 00:23:16,755 --> 00:23:20,555 ? Got to go now It's the end of the show 403 00:23:20,555 --> 00:23:25,035 ? Bye-bye, now It's the end of the show 404 00:23:25,035 --> 00:23:27,395 ? Come back next for another show 405 00:23:27,395 --> 00:23:29,715 ? You gotta come back For another show bye-bye 406 00:23:29,715 --> 00:23:30,715 ? Baby, bye-bye 407 00:23:32,195 --> 00:23:33,195 ? Baby, bye-bye 408 00:23:34,275 --> 00:23:38,235 ? Baby, bye-bye Baby, bye-bye, whoa! ? 409 00:23:38,285 --> 00:23:42,835 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0